I’ve got my fifth date with Mat lined up for tomorrow. Perhaps it’s my overall exhaustion speaking right now, resulting in me feeling precious, but I’m not sure if I’m completely satisfied with how much attention he’s paying me.

I’ve really enjoyed getting to know this man and I swear, every time we hang out time just seem to go so quick. I’m still a little crazy about his bloke-ish charm but the problem now is that, I’m starting to feel a little anxious whenever it looks like I want to hear from him more than he does from me.

Is that normal or am I deep down just another horribly needy lover?

Here’s where me and my expectations need to come clean and work it out. This is why I need this blog, this Tumblr space. I need to work out my crazy somewhere somehow.

“Can you make me your 9 to 5, please? Never take an off day from me.”

He’s said straight up that he’s a very busy man who works like 60-hour weeks. I knew it’d be the case of only seeing him once a week - and frankly, in theory, I’m totally fine with that part.

I like having my space. Especially now with me really feeling like I’m slowly coming into my own, I’m really not in a rush to nest or settle down with anybody just yet.

I’m kinda enjoying this new laid back style of dating, you know, getting to know each other and such. No pressure to introduce to friends, family or even add each other on Facebook. In fact, I’ve only mentioned me seeing Mat to a very, very small handful of friends.

I don’t even really want to mention to people that I’m seeing someone because I don’t want for there to be external expectations subtly imposing (ie., the need for weekly or daily updates “Oh so how’s things going with your boy?”).

I just want it to take its own course, whatever that might be, and let it happen organically just between us. In the words of Kelendria Trene Rowland, “just keep it between us”.

But having said that, I still can’t help but notice how different this experience is compared to anyone I’ve dated before. 

I’m used to guys just being really full on infatuated, showering me with texts or calling me all the time. With Mat, I’d be lucky to get two texts out of him. In his defense, he does send like three or four page ones at a time.

In a way, I do feel a little neglected because I want to know that he’s thinking about me all day long. Says me as I twirl my hair.

I mean, bitch, I want you to make me feel like I’m the only gurl in the world.

Now get real.

I suppose at the end of the day, I feel like I am - once again - becoming my own saboteur by letting old, familiar voices creep back into my head telling me what a “dating relationship” should or shouldn’t look like.

Fuck it. Fuck unreasonable expectations. Am I really gonna sit here and start critiquing this man for only sending one text at the end of his long ass work day instead of one every hour?

Or am I gonna get real and see how much effort he puts into this one text he sends - how he remembers details I mentioned ages ago, how he makes witty RuPaul’s Drag Race references, and how he always makes his messages count?

This time around, I’m learning to pick my battles.

Of course, if this ends up turning into a deeper issue and I feel neglected, then I’m gonna have to address that. But for now, I think I can go with being a little more reasonable.